I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
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My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
the three genders
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
How dude HOW?!
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.