Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
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The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye