There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
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I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.