Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
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MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
It was worth a shot 😂
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold