An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
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If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
#dnd #ttrpg
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.