2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
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God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi