Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
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me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
🤣could you imagine
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
security at the airport getting more straightforward