Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
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Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years