[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
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why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*