Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
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Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.