6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
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[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
real
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup