*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
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Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.