Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
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I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats