[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
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Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
There’s never enough good news
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea