Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
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so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.