me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
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I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Feel. He’s so soft.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting