What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
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Sounds about right. 😂🤣
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.