My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
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MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner