Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
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Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.