I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
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Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks