It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
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My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Thursday Thought.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended