My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
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me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice