Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
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In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?