Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.