My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
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Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
This is so me 😂😂