CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
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Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.