“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
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Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy