me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
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You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.