Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
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Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“