All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
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I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
WTF IS THAT!
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.