Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
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Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I falcon love using swear birds
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.