Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
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I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
How all things should be taught/explained.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard