Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
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When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
The French cow says MEUX…
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!