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Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Customize Your Wedding.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.