When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
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When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I put the p in pants.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah