Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
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Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Me My dog
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.