it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
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I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen