my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
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The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My time has come.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.