Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
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My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Erm I’m gonna say no
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm