I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
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chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy