According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
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Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
oh my gosh!!
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.