DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
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Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.