HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
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LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Good point.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
work smarter, not harder
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence