Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
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I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
My first son he is wonderful
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect