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thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.