I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
You Might Also Like
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.