When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
drew a comic about my origin story
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock