I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
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Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out