The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
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Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Yup!
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
rapatouille
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence