I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
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I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder